snow

i've settled in the snow, into the winter quiet. this is longest we've stayed anywhere for a little over a year. nothing could be less settled than our employment, than this economy. each day we wake up and wonder if today our number will come up. it is a really terrifying and unbelievably stressful way to spend the work day. senior management walk the halls and i really panic, freak out for a minute, try to understand the logic of layoffs.

the truth is that i can't find any logic in such decisions. work is not a thing i have ever done on autopilot, so i've never feared losing my job. here are good folks, getting laid off, goodbye. hard workers, that is that. not just here. everywhere.

i like the snow. i like the consistency of it: it is quiet to walk in, and my life is constant and that feels right for the first time in... ever. there are fires and books and my cheeks are always red. rosy.

there seem to be a few options, so far as i can see. we can accept this illogical number game and understand that eventually and soon we will be laid off and we can ride it out until it happens. or we can cut our losses, and try to find some greener pastures. i'm afraid they don't exist. i'm afraid to find out if they do or not.

the snow is falling slow and consistently. every morning when i wake up there is a fresh foot of it on the ground and i have to shuffle a new path to the bus stop. underneath there will be grass in 5 or 6 months and the trees will bloom into a late spring. it will smell like 8050 feet above sea level. i hope it will still look like home.