Monday, May 12, 2008

high on a mountain top

back in mammoth. it is truly magnificent here right now. there is no one in town, it is sunny and warm, we wear hoodies while snowboarding... it also means that all is better in santa cruz. todd's dad is taking walks, eating burritos, pretty much anything but laying in a coma-like state. we are very thankful. hospitals are surreal, especially once they become familiar. but i digress.

mammoth. we are unemployed, so there isn't much we have to do. this kind of freedom is pretty scary to me, i have to be honest. my mom, who is wise beyond her years, keeps reminding me that this will be over before we know it and i must embrace all this free time. to that i say. . .

how was i so lucky that the universe gave me my mother as my mother?????????????? someone my mom and i both admire would say that i chose her to be my mom and i definitely know why: she is wise and accepting and caring and beautiful and full to the brim with love and wonder. my grandma often refers to her as her little angel and it is kind of true. my heart bursts when i think about her. really. again i digress.

today the wind blew so hard that instead of attempting to snowboard we went hiking.

there is still so much snow, especially when you get way back in the mountains.
actually, there is so much snow, there wasn't a hiking trail at all, just snow and up.
my dad rides his mountain bike back here. there was no one at all for miles and miles.
and then, out of the blue blue skies, came snow. snow!!!
so we called it a day at a natural hot tub we found on the way home. and some tecates too.

we are considering moving to mammoth once our round the country tour is over. it has captured our imaginations. we feel more alive here than anywhere.
but we are just playing real life, we don't have to make any decisions yet.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

it's hard to make the good things last

what a whirlwind few weeks. after 1 month in the hospital, todd's dad has finally been moved to a rehabilitation center where he is planning to make a break for it. this is good news, stewart is getting himself back to normal. old friends were married in the park, we laughed and cried a lot, swam with the best babies in the universe. we are ready to get back on track.

in theory we will be leaving in the beginning of june to drive around the usa for 3 months. it is daunting and exciting and magical all at once. our plans hit the snag that is life: taking care of your family, being there for those who need you, it is all part of being a human being. so we are grateful that we have the time to hug each other and clean up the messy stuff and chase stewart who has just unplugged his IV and is tearing down the halls.

Monday, May 5, 2008

santa cruz you're not that far

aww, old friends.






we are leaving for mammoth tomorrow. goodbye santa cruz!

Monday, April 28, 2008

best of youth

where did you come from?
where do you go when you need unconditional love and support?
who will tell you their honest opinion?
where feels the most like home?
how is it that my mother does not age and did i get this gene?
where are you going and who is going with you?
do you realize we're floating in space?

Thursday, April 24, 2008

i'm lost

does anyone else watch lost? i want to give up, but i just can't.


i drove to santa barbara this afternoon. i dragged my feet to put everything in the car, prepared to be gone for 1-2 weeks. leaving, because i must, because i am unemployed. i have to fight the urge to run into any business and beg for them to let me work. i am too old to be unemployed. i am too old to be doing any of this nonsense. i've spent the past two months surrounded by 19-22 year olds. in mammoth, i am not so old, i blend into the 19-22 year old lifestyle quite nicely. it is when i start to drive back home, back to santa cruz, back to reality really, that i start to panic. it is a real soul shaking kind of thing to look a 19 year old peer in the face and think of all the years of experiences, both bad and good, that have happened since i was 19. what has made me, me. how little i knew about who i was going to be. during my drive i tried to think of everything that happened to me between 19 and now. how it was that i got here, in the car driving back to santa barbara:

i moved to italy
i traveled with my brother and crashed a motorino in greece
i wrote an awesome thesis
i collected records
i graduated college
i fell in love
los angeles
i hustled
i fell out of love
protests
i worked my ass off
music, daily, nightly
radio station
my car got stolen
i got my heart broken
i lived alone
i lost friends
i found them again
a million moves
i hiked to the bottom of the grand canyon
i drove for 4 years straight
i collected danish furniture
i traveled in australia in an rv with my family (and discovered my undying love for australian cancer council sunglasses)
san francisco
i ran a marathon
i ran a business
i spent ten million hours in awe of my amazing friends and family
i fell in love
i had a breakdown
i had surgery
i said enough is enough and put everything in storage
i worked at mammoth as a lift operator

who would i be without this? without all the rest that happened in between these landmarks that are just as important? (how could i leave out eating at alegria with katie and joey while we tried to sort our lives out? that was fundamental to where i am now.) how could my 19 year old self found me now without this map?

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

our arms fill with miracles

todd is in santa cruz taking care of his dad, who is still in the ICU. please send positive healing thoughts to his lungs if you are so inclined. and so i am alone up on the mountain. the wind has been vicious. it shakes the windows and knocks things over, myself included. at the top of my chair lift the other day the wind gusts reaches 115 mph, and so we closed. however while moving a bench the wind picked me up and blew me over. i was all alone up there, it felt so insanely lonely, like in a second i could be picked up and blown away and no one would notice.
i was laid off on sunday, which means i have been enjoying much relaxing and shredding. it also means that sooner than later we will be moving away to seek excitement in greener pastures.

it will be terribly hard to leave though. we have been living a pretend life, where simplicity and making enough to make ends meet are all you need. but that makes me wonder, why should that be a pretend life? i have spent the majority of my adult life trying to impress people with my successes and career benchmarks, and i have never felt so fulfilled and purposeful as i have here in mammoth. i wonder if it is because i know it is temporary, or if i was destined to be a mountain girl???
by the way, when making cookies at 7000 feet, don't forget to make the appropriate adjustments. i forgot.
i would also like to make this point: taking time to re-set your priorities, take care of yourself and your loved ones, and truly appreciate the moments as they appear before you will completely change your life. i am a completely different person than i was 2 months ago. it is awesome.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

mothers and fathers

today we were reminded how precious and fleeting life can be. we are reminded to tell everyone how much we love them and how glad we are to know them.
especially the mothers and the fathers, who sometimes need to be taken care of too.
we are glad to know you all. every day you are in our thoughts.