best of youth

where did you come from?
where do you go when you need unconditional love and support?
who will tell you their honest opinion?
where feels the most like home?
how is it that my mother does not age and did i get this gene?
where are you going and who is going with you?
do you realize we're floating in space?

i'm lost

does anyone else watch lost? i want to give up, but i just can't.


i drove to santa barbara this afternoon. i dragged my feet to put everything in the car, prepared to be gone for 1-2 weeks. leaving, because i must, because i am unemployed. i have to fight the urge to run into any business and beg for them to let me work. i am too old to be unemployed. i am too old to be doing any of this nonsense. i've spent the past two months surrounded by 19-22 year olds. in mammoth, i am not so old, i blend into the 19-22 year old lifestyle quite nicely. it is when i start to drive back home, back to santa cruz, back to reality really, that i start to panic. it is a real soul shaking kind of thing to look a 19 year old peer in the face and think of all the years of experiences, both bad and good, that have happened since i was 19. what has made me, me. how little i knew about who i was going to be. during my drive i tried to think of everything that happened to me between 19 and now. how it was that i got here, in the car driving back to santa barbara:

i moved to italy
i traveled with my brother and crashed a motorino in greece
i wrote an awesome thesis
i collected records
i graduated college
i fell in love
los angeles
i hustled
i fell out of love
protests
i worked my ass off
music, daily, nightly
radio station
my car got stolen
i got my heart broken
i lived alone
i lost friends
i found them again
a million moves
i hiked to the bottom of the grand canyon
i drove for 4 years straight
i collected danish furniture
i traveled in australia in an rv with my family (and discovered my undying love for australian cancer council sunglasses)
san francisco
i ran a marathon
i ran a business
i spent ten million hours in awe of my amazing friends and family
i fell in love
i had a breakdown
i had surgery
i said enough is enough and put everything in storage
i worked at mammoth as a lift operator

who would i be without this? without all the rest that happened in between these landmarks that are just as important? (how could i leave out eating at alegria with katie and joey while we tried to sort our lives out? that was fundamental to where i am now.) how could my 19 year old self found me now without this map?

our arms fill with miracles

todd is in santa cruz taking care of his dad, who is still in the ICU. please send positive healing thoughts to his lungs if you are so inclined. and so i am alone up on the mountain. the wind has been vicious. it shakes the windows and knocks things over, myself included. at the top of my chair lift the other day the wind gusts reaches 115 mph, and so we closed. however while moving a bench the wind picked me up and blew me over. i was all alone up there, it felt so insanely lonely, like in a second i could be picked up and blown away and no one would notice.
i was laid off on sunday, which means i have been enjoying much relaxing and shredding. it also means that sooner than later we will be moving away to seek excitement in greener pastures.

it will be terribly hard to leave though. we have been living a pretend life, where simplicity and making enough to make ends meet are all you need. but that makes me wonder, why should that be a pretend life? i have spent the majority of my adult life trying to impress people with my successes and career benchmarks, and i have never felt so fulfilled and purposeful as i have here in mammoth. i wonder if it is because i know it is temporary, or if i was destined to be a mountain girl???
by the way, when making cookies at 7000 feet, don't forget to make the appropriate adjustments. i forgot.
i would also like to make this point: taking time to re-set your priorities, take care of yourself and your loved ones, and truly appreciate the moments as they appear before you will completely change your life. i am a completely different person than i was 2 months ago. it is awesome.

mothers and fathers

today we were reminded how precious and fleeting life can be. we are reminded to tell everyone how much we love them and how glad we are to know them.
especially the mothers and the fathers, who sometimes need to be taken care of too.
we are glad to know you all. every day you are in our thoughts.

rosy cheeks

all this time in the nature and sunshine has left me with some serious rosy cheeks.
however, i find that i prefer the rosy cheeks to the pallid sunken look that i had acquired after no less than 4 years working primarily in a basement.

it is time for our nightly jacuzzi. would anyone care to join us?

you're my sunshine, and i want you to know

we are just two people. two really really really really really ridiculously good looking people.

our lives have been simplified. we care if people are having fun, and if they are safe.

we care if we are having fun and are safe.

we feel intense gratitude all day long.
we say thanks universe! thanks mom and dad! thanks snow! thanks friends! would you like to ride my chair lift? i will make sure you are safe and happy.


love!!!!!!

but i'm just harry

in a few months my brother is getting married to the most amazing and magical person. what i have recently put together, is that this means i am getting a sister. a sister!! and not just any sister, a sister who is sweet and bakes and i can talk to like a real sister, because she is going to be my real sister! this makes me happy on many levels. really, the first time we met jess (my family) we knew she would be perfect for us. fortunately, tyler likes her too so we all win.

because of this, i took a road trip to meet jess, shay and my mom in san francisco. we need bridesmaid dresses, and jess needed to get her wedding dress altered. this meant driving through the eastern sierras through tahoe, which may quite possibly be the most beautiful drive i have ever driven.
this is mono lake, where all you los angeles folks get your water.


i am pretty sure my mom is the prettiest lady i have ever seen. and jess isn't so bad herself, no?
tartine, the most delicious and magical of bakeries. we couldn't decide what to get so we got everything.
san francisco!!! i love thee!! there is never enough time to see everyone or do everything that i want. but there is always time for blue bottle, the most magnificent coffee in san francisco. i have been obsessing over my vacuum pot since my first visit to blue bottle, where they brew each cup of coffee via siphon bar. if you are interested read on here. look at jess, tasting!

dresses. dresses! dresses!!!

it was a perfect day.
you will have to wait for the wedding to see the dress. here is a teaser.
i was driving back before i was ready. it stormed intermittently the entire way back.

and then i was back home. back to todd and our mountain lifestyle.